BTAM: Back to planning

I am, quite often, very hard on me. There are plenty reasons to believe that most of the times I was right. One of my permanent self accusations goes around the fact that my life is quite an erratic journey. As much as I don't want an office job, the feeling that the horizon remains as misty as five or ten years a ago is a bit frightening. I don't want a predictable shore, but at least I wouldn't mind having a rough idea of where I'm heading. Seems to me that somebody gave me the maps of a different location.

And that's me main reason why I have been doing many things over the last decade. Unable to finish or focus completely on any of them, I feel strangely proud of the diversity. I always thought of this as a great story to tell -someday- to my grandchildren. But that inconsistency is a burden. Any person with a heart beating inside desires to live as many lives as possible. While being a restless traveler is an exciting journey, maybe to settle somewhere and develop a project -to help other is perhaps- is a less selfish and deeper thought. 

For us, the first generation raised with viogeames, maybe is harder to accept that if you waste this life, there´s no 1UP or a second chance of any sort. Being stuck with one one life, one chance, no matter how good it is: The astronaut will never get the chance to be a "futbol"(soccer) player, no matter how cool is to be in space.

Last week I was trying to explain to a friend the main plot of Alejandro Dolina's tale "Los amantes desconocidos" (the unkown lovers). It tells the story of a secret society fully avocated to write misterious anonymous love letters to random people. The receivers usually would get caught by the mistery and wrote back demanding details, asking for a picture or even an encounter. The key of all that was to never reveal themselves. Aside the fact that there was not a real person, there's an interesting observation about an unseeing lovers;

Toda relación deberá girar alrededor de un encuentro futuro. Pero es fundamental el no encontrarse nunca. Las razones se ven venir: todo amante desconocido es perfecto. Tiene la cara que uno desea. Es, a nuestro capricho, morocho, rubio o ambas cosas a un tiempo. El amante desconocido no tiene defectos, no tartamudea, no fastidia con cosas cotidianas. Pero hay una virtud fundamental: por no ser nadie es también todas las personas del mundo. Si se comete el desatino de darle una identidad cierta , el amante desconocido se achica, aunque sea un ángel. Si es alto, ya no podrá ser petiso. Si es atlético, ya no podrá ser enclenque.

(In english: Every relationship should spin around a future encounter. But it's critical that this should never happen. The reason is visible: any unknown lover is perfect. It has the desired face. Is, to our fancy, brunette, blond or both at the same time. The unknown lover has no defects, doesn't stutters, nor bothers with daily issues. But there's also a fundamental virtue: the fact of being no one in particular makes him/her every possible person in the world. If a certain identity is given, then the unknown lover shrinks, even if he was an angel. If he's tall, it won´t be short. If he's athletic, it won't be weak)

There's an interesting fact in all this. Like the desire of live every possible lives, there's a desire to live them at their peak of intensity. But there's also the inveitable desire to consumate this romance. Sooner or later an encounter (or the lack of it) will end up with the pure esence of this connection. We make our choices in life, that ends our possiblity to choose. Deep inside of our passions is the seed of their selfdestruction (Karl Marx would kill me if he ever read this). And that´s my daily conundrum.

While I approach to my birthday, I'm slowly planning on how to deal with this. I'm a planner, and that means that starting this june, I will come up with a target, a place where I would like to be by the time I turn 30.

Shall I give up to live many lives? Should I recklessly try to put myself on as many shoes as they fit? Before the end of this month I shall unveil my:

TWO-YEAR PLAN!

(Coming soon)

Deep in it...